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Why does it feel so wrong to reach for something more? [03 Mar 2011|11:16pm]
I can't count the number of times a day I criticize myself. If only I was just a little bit skinnier, my boobs were a little bigger, my ass a little tighter. If only I wasn't so shy and unfriendly, so boring and ordinary. If only I could look them in the eyes.

My roommate is going to be 30 next month. She's gorgeous and about to graduate with her master's. She's a little quiet but she's friendly I guess. We don't talk much but it's not like I ever tried to have a real conversation with her. She's also single. I think there was a guy once, and maybe she chose school over him, but she's not really over him. But if a girl like that can make it to 30 and not have a boyfriend in the past year... I don't know what the odds are for the rest of us.

I pretend that changing just one little thing about myself will make my life better, but I can't even bring myself to change anything. I think that's the real problem. Not all my flaws, the fact that I am so stubborn, so resistant to change of any kind, it's no wonder I can't be happy.

But how can I be someone for 22 years then turn away? Reinvent myself? Be who I always wanted to be? It's like the song, "I've never been one to walk alone, I've always been scared to try. Maybe it's time to change". I feel like that should be my anthem, my mantra. But notice the "maybe" part. He's not sure either. He knows he's unhappy, he knows he should change, but he also knows it's probably never going to happen. It does feel wrong to reach for something more...

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I doubt anyone still reads this... [03 Mar 2011|12:29am]
But wow. Looking back on some really old entries...I can see how I've matured somewhat. But the same basic fears and anxieties plague me now. Have I really learned nothing?

I have to say... some people in my past were cooler than I gave them credit for... sorry. You really don't know a good thing till it's gone.

Life right now was definitely unimaginable back then. It kind of scares me to see how I thought 5 years ago is still how I think now. But what I thought now would be then is totally different. In 5 years time, will I still feel the same way? Think the same things? Be in a totally unimaginable place? I'd like to say that I can look back and see how I got to where I am now, but honestly, I can't. I'm off kelter and I don't know how to get back into orbit. If I even can.

I'm not totally unhappy per se. I just wish things had stayed the way I predicted them to. I wanted to be living the life I imagined, not some throw-off reject of a scripted life.

Last weekend, I got the thing I've been wanting the very most for quite awhile, but I couldn't accept it. I'm so scared of change. So scared of the future. I can't accept the few good things in life because of fear.

I'm tired of being scared. I've been scared all my life. I'm still scared now. But I don't want to be.

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seriously [07 Mar 2009|02:15pm]
i'm tired of the petty fights over insignificant things. so what if i'm "not in touch with the real world"? is that a crime? there's nothing wrong with that. i'm 20 and in college. this is my real world right now. i'm sorry it doesn't match yours, but that doesn't mean you can be rude to me. we were joking around having a good time until you decided to have a fit over something so stupid. what was that you were saying about the real world? get over yourself and get a grip.

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[04 Nov 2008|08:11pm]
welcome to the end of the world (not just as we know it)

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"When you lose inspiration.... [03 Jun 2008|02:37am]
[ mood | cynical ]

...search your heart for a better reason than before" Someone once told me that about writing but I think it could apply to alot of things. The trouble is that it's easier said than done. Giving up is so much easier, that's why that's what most people choose to do even if it isn't the right thing. Finding a better reason takes time and effort, something that not everyone is willing to give.

It's hard to accept that you can't make someone search for a better reason. Does that seem silly, forcing someone to look for inspiration when they have none? But once you do accept that you can't, it's hard to find the will for yourself.

It's easier to piss and moan about how miserable and uninspired you are than it is to find a reason to continue. Why do people like being unhappy?

Ok, well this time I don't have a better reason. I have an ultimate reason, a final reason: I have nothing else left to give. I've given it all the whole time. If it isn't enough now, if you still aren't inspired, then you never will be.
(But if you come to this realization, you know I will never believe you even though I laid down the rules myself.)

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you know you're pathetic when... [08 May 2008|11:38pm]
[ mood | discontent ]

everything seems to parallel your life and your problems. like a book i'm reading. i swear she's writing about my life almost.

so bad thing about coming home...seeing people i recognize and/or know out and about. i really just want to ask them, is this really your life? what are you still doing here? several stores and six people later i almost don't care. but then again i wonder how they'd react if i was like hey, remember me you sat by me in 6th grade science for half a year. even though your name tag says "robert" now and you're certainty taller you look like robbie to me. but i'd bet money that he wouldn't remember me in the slightest.

i'm the girl that sits next to you on the bus everyday in 7th grade and everyday you ask me my name again. i'm the girl in the 8th grade that everyone knows has a crush on you, except for you. i'm the girl in the 9th grade in love with stoners and gay guys. i'm the only person in 10th grade in the junior/senior lit. class. i'm the girl in 11th grade who makes a fool of herself more than once. i'm the girl in 12th grade almost secure but definitely losing holds. which brings me to now, the college girl lonely, broken-hearted, all but entirely forgotten.

do you remember me?

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So I guess no one reads this anymore probably.... [08 May 2008|06:26pm]
so you shouldn't mind my rambling.

Today I didn't make an effort to keep busy and it's really taken it's toll on me...
Why do I have to kill myself to be not unhappy?

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don't pretend you don't know when it's obvious you do [07 May 2008|11:12pm]
you know even when things are clear and simple they're still painful.
i hate it when other people are right, but i'm not afraid to admit when they are. but that doesn't mean i know how to handle their answers. (even when they're spot on)

can i deal with this seriously? in the long run yes. for right now i'm unsure.
i've always wanted to be a bitch. maybe now is my chance.

wish me luck.

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You know that stupid saying.... [07 May 2008|10:39pm]
It's better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all? It's total bullshit. Just thought you'd like to know.

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[19 May 2007|06:08pm]
so it's been awhile.
things are good now though. school still brings me down but i'm almost done.
but it's ok. i have my boy and that's what matters right?
so yeah. things are good.

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[12 Mar 2007|04:46pm]
disappointment sucks.
so why do i let myself get disappointed?
maybe if i don't expect anything, i won't be disappointed.

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[04 Mar 2007|08:32pm]
the stars have realigned. finally. things are going to be ok now.

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[01 Mar 2007|10:25pm]
omg. who knew jealously could be such a wonderful thing! :)
my day has been crappy but just now it has turned around.
look guys, i know i'm hot, but for some reason, some people have a hard time noticing it unless i do myself up with makeup and put on a pretty smile. lol anywayz it helps.
and when someone says,
ur gorgeous
u have like friggin beautiful eyes
and quite possible the most kissable lips ever
i wana marry u
ur stinkin gorgeous"
it is a little boost to the ego. so that was cool. but the best part was his reaction.
jealously. it's a beautiful thing. :) mostly b/c it proves that he stills cares. for all his talk, he cares. and that is the most rewarding.

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[21 Feb 2007|12:44pm]
i wish i could close my eyes and when i opened them again it would be last summer. the beginning of last summer. i'd love to do it all again. and there's so many things i could change and fix, even though it would practically break my heart to do so. but i'd do it if i thought it would fix things now.

i wish i could close my eyes and when i opened them again it would be this coming summer. and everything would be alright. i'd be adjusted with whatever my situation is going to be. i'd be looking forward to the future. maybe things would have changed for the better.

i wish i could close my eyes and when i opened them again i'd be somewhere else living someone else's life. maybe the life in my dreams, the life that i see through the cracks of mine.

i wish i could close my eyes and when i opened them again i'd be next to you. and we'd forget about the past and not worry about the future, and just live today as today. if i could do that, i'd never close my eyes again.

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[20 Feb 2007|12:37pm]

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[24 Jan 2007|07:05pm]
you know that break from life i was needing? i still need it. right now.
why does it have to be so hard to be happy?

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[27 Nov 2006|02:38pm]
i finally got that snow i ordered last year.

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god why have you forsaken me? [18 Oct 2006|06:29pm]
things are crap. why? why doesn't anything work out anymore? why can't people be nothing but sincere? why can't they see that i'm being sincere?
this is going to be a lonely world if you can't trust the ones you love.

oh and the million dollar question: what is the meaning of life? why are we living?
wait. i found the answer. it's the hardest answer it could possibly be but it's the simplest.
i exist to love. that's it. so why is it so hard?

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[11 Oct 2006|06:56pm]
[ mood | tired ]

i didn't think anyone could ever take my place...but i guess i was wrong. i'm beginning to see that.
i just don't get it. friendship. what a stupid thing.
some guys were walking down the hall after school. they were talking about what they wanted to do with their afternoon. laughing and joking and scheming. they sounded like they'd actually enjoy themselves just hanging out with each other. a big group of guys. friends. friendship. how come i don't feel that way?
first of all, i don't have many friends. and most of the ones i have probably wish i wasn't their friend. i know i'm not a good friend. but i can't help it. i'm starting to think that i just wasn't hardwired for 'friends'. now some of you may scoff and scold, but it's not a hard conclusion for me to arrive at. especially when i sit alone. especially when i have to talk to them for them to talk to me. and especially when i never get invited to do anything.

don't feel sorry for me. b/c i don't feel sorry for me. i'm not made for friends and so it's not so bad when i don't have any. sure it's nice to get a smile or for someone to ask how i am. but i don't need it.
i'm perfectly fine on my own.

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[11 Oct 2006|12:25pm]
so i'm on a quest to find a song that defines me. lemme know if you have any ideas.

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